You may have heard that the surefire way to arouse a woman is to “make
it all about her,”, but that’s not a self-serving message. It takes us
girls more time to get to the same place, and we rely on your help for
that. You’re our
hero, in the bedroom and out.
hero, in the bedroom and out.
So here are some things to add to your lovemaking arsenal beyond your white horse and your ahem lance.
10) Don’t overlook ambiance –I’m the first to admit the bed is often
left unmade, providing a nice nest for the cats. My husband leaves
clothes piled in the corner. But take time to make the bed, light a
couple candles, turn on some music you both enjoy for lovemaking, and
please clean up that hideous hairball the cat left in the corner. Make
your space sacred and special – you’re going to be doing something
sacred and special for one another in it, and setting the scene will
also get you in that “slow and savor” mode.
9) Personal Hygiene – My grandfather called this “donning the courting
breeches.” When dating a woman, a guy will religiously brush his teeth,
comb his hair, check his clothes. He would NEVER belch, pass gas or pick
his nose around her (unless she particularly likes those little things –
memo: most of us don’t). While we don’t have to be 100% on our best
behavior when we’re in a relationship, it should be at least as
important to us to behave that way with the love of our life as it is to
behave that way at work or when interacting with the girl behind the
Starbuck’s counter.
8) Help Out –I’m going to let you in on the number one way to arouse ME.
Clean my house. Seriously. Women out there handle A LOT. Full time job?
Kids? House? Pets? Finances? Blah blah blah… Yes, you’re busy too, but
it doesn’t affect your sexual performance quite as significantly as it
does ours (though I do think the wave of Viagra prescriptions has more
to do with all of us being too busy to take the time for meaningful sex
than it does about men with ED – hmm, subject for another column – Ten
Unnecessary Reasons to Use ED Drugs). Do not believe what you see in the
movies – an uptight woman is VERY difficult to arouse. If she has
twenty things to do before she can sit down and pay attention to you,
help her do ten of those, and see how she reacts.
Okay, I need to insert a message for the ladies here – if he’s trying to
do this for you and doesn’t do things perfectly, please don’t jump on
him like a monkey on a cupcake (one of my favorite Everyone Loves
Raymond lines). Be delighted that he tried. At the proper time you can
give him some constructive direction on how to do it better. Mutual
respect and kindness are the bedrock of any good relationship.
7) Take control – This often applies to service-oriented women. During
sex, we’re thinking about what might please you. It’s hard to turn it
off. However, blindfold and order her to hold onto the headboard while
you kiss or caress her in a slow, savoring kind of way (see #2 – make
her feel like you’re enjoying every inch of her flesh, not just “those”
parts). You can loosely tie her wrists if she’d like that, but often the
psychological restraint is all that’s needed. Now she can relax,
because you’ve given her permission to simply enjoy, not requiring her
to do anything else but focus on her own arousal. That means you’ve
centered her mind, one of the hardest things for us busy females to do.
Sex is one of the few things we cannot enjoy to the max while
multi-tasking. Help us think in a linear way, and our libido increases.
6) Open communication – Encourage her to tell you what she likes and
doesn’t like in the bedroom, and when she does, take it as an
opportunity to do better, not withdraw and get sullen. Look at it like
the way you look at a challenge at work. If the boss says this project
could be done better or the customer wants this, you strive to make that
happen and feel pretty good when the customer is pleased. In this
scenario, she’s your customer, and you want her expectations exceeded.
Believe me, your benefits and compensation will increase accordingly!
5) Be genuine/interested –Many romance conferences feature cover models
who work the crowd. While they are beautiful eye candy, the ones who do
best with the readers are those who make a woman feel they are genuinely
engaged by her conversation, who will laugh and play with us and have
as good a time there as we do. The TV commercials that use cookie cutter
male models saying cheesy, monotone things to a woman about her
plumbing really don’t turn us on. Think about the recent Subaru
commercial with the guy holding the cardboard signs to help his girl get
through the bike marathon. If I was her (and not completely exhausted),
I would have crossed that finish line, gone right past the cookie
cutters and jumped that skinny, geeky guy. Be genuine and interested in
her, in and out of the bedroom, and you’ll reap the benefits inside it.
4) Talk to her – Years ago, I woke to find my husband gazing at me while
I slept. He reached out, touched my face, and said, “you’re so
beautiful when you’re sleeping” in this quiet way that overwhelmed me,
because he really meant it. Yes, we LOVE to hear what you’re thinking
when you’re touching us. I know this is not the male strong suit, but
you do not have to turn into Wordsworth. Simply saying “I love how soft
your skin is” or “you smell so good” or “I was thinking of doing this
while I was at work today” means a lot to us. Now, when you reach the
crazy passionate part, she might even enjoy a little dirty talk, but
gauge that the way you do the touching.
3) Her mind is her most important erogenous zone – Yep, I’ve said this
before, so it obviously applies to women and sex a lot. You guys are so
lucky. I was at a Pure Romance toy party recently where the rep was
discussing female masturbation. She noted how little women know about
what’s between our legs compared to men. You all play with that thing
from birth, so you can arouse yourself in zero-to-light speed like
there’s an ignition button. Our genitalia are far more mysterious to us,
and to make it more complicated, what works one time might not work
another. My guess is that’s because our minds are involved in it, and a
woman’s mind has to reach a certain place for maximum effective arousal.
So if you employ #1 below (slow slow slow), you’re doing more than
touching her. You’re sending a message. “You’re worth taking my time; I
find you so lovely I don’t want to rush this; I want to touch you
everywhere.” There’s a reason we go gooey when we read that kind of
thing in romance novels!
2) Stay away from “Those Parts” as long as possible – When you get
started, the least responsive parts of her are the ones you want to go
for first. A friend of mine calls it “running the bathwater” foreplay.
Put your hands up in front of you and imagine you’re adjusting the hot
and cold knobs (her breasts). Now drop one hand and run it under the
faucet water (between her legs). Yep. DON’T do that. I know you love
those pink parts, but I promise, if you take your good old fashioned
time getting there, she will be very excited to have you playing with
them at the proper point.
There is a great exercise in Tantric sex where you focus on every part
of your lover’s body except genitalia and nipples. You can caress,
stroke, kiss, nibble, massage everywhere but there. And not in a
distracted, I’d-rather-be-touching-your-pink-parts way (yes, we can
tell). Focus on the non-pink-parts like you’ve never had the opportunity
to touch those places before (if you’ve been doing the
running-the-bathwater method, you may not have realized she had all that
lovely skin and curves in other places). Put a lot of time into those
romantic, drowning kisses, too. Special note: Women are very sensitive
above the shoulders. Face, mouth…ooh, the throat. Why do you think
vampires turn us on? The throat is key to a lot of fantasies. Surrender,
vulnerability…
As you’re touching all the other places, watch her responses. When she
wants you to go faster (aka move closer to pink parts), you’ll see it in
the urgency of her body language, her breathing, etc. In short, learn
to pay attention to all the details as you arouse your lover, and
whenever in doubt, go slower. A great way to ease into this is to start
by giving her a full back massage. Ask her to get naked and lie down on
the bed, then focus on relaxing her entire body. Your touch can get more
sensual as you progress – again, note her body language, the way she
rises up into your touch, etc.
1) Go SLOW. SLOW SLOW SLOW – if I could get away with making all ten
choices a repeat of this one, I would, because it is the #1 key to
successfully arousing a woman. In fact, think of #1 and #3 as umbrella
topics under which all the others fit.
TV, movies and even the genre I write and love—erotic romance—project
the idea that what will attract or arouse a woman are six pack abs and
lots of money. Yes, most of my heroes do have six pack abs and are
well-off, but that’s a romance novel thing, not a real life requirement
for a great sex life.
Remember that message at the beginning, making it all about her? At
heart, what that means is she needs to feel cherished, loved and the
center of your attention when you get physical. Then it doesn’t matter
if you have six pack abs or a wad of cash. If she loves you the way you
love her, she’s going to respond to your focus on her needs and arousal
with a generously passionate response, a way she doesn’t respond to
anyone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment